Remembering

Remembering

full moon rising

Despite the late hour, I could not sleep. So here I sit, on the front deck of the cabin and watch the reflection of the full moon sparkle on the water as it peeks through the clouds. And I remember....

I don't want to remember, it hurts to remember, but still I remember...

I remember a time when I was happy, and my life was good. A loving husband, a warm home, and a new baby, everything I was always told would make me feel complete. And they were right, I was complete, and completely happy.

family wall art

I close my eyes, and the memories rush in. There was a time, a long time ago, my mother would wait for me to get home from school. Always interested in my day, always asking questions about my classes and my friends. As a teen, I pitied her. I thought, how sad, to not have your own life, but to be stuck at home, day after day, trying to find happiness through your children. In all my 16 years of wisdom, I tried telling Mom that she needed to get a job, a career, a life. Mom would just smile, pat my cheek, and tell me that loving and caring for me and my Dad was her career, one that she would never trade for anything the world had to offer her.

navy wedding cake topper

And then it happened...to me. I first saw him on the campus of Stallings University. He was all decked out in his navy uniform, handing out flyers for the local Navy Recruiting Office. There is just something about a man in uniform. He offered me a flyer, our eyes met and our fingers touched, my heart didn't stand a chance. He asked me out for coffee, my mind screamed "no...run", but my heart just smiled and I agreed. Coffee led to dinner, which led to weekends, which led to marriage. Now I understood my mother, her smile, her contentment. Then he was called to active duty.

I sigh, and shake myself. Rising from the deck chair, I head back to bed, hoping, praying, for the dreams to stop.....

Now it's morning. The sun is shining through the blinds of my bedroom window, and I drag myself out of bed. I don't have time to mope around. I only have a short time to get ready for my daily visit before I head off to work. I throw open my closet door to find the perfect outfit.

circa 1960 shirt waist summer dress

Last night's dream has given me a strong desire to go back..back in time. So I grabbed Al's favorite dress. The one he got for me in New York City right before he shipped out. Maybe if I wear it, today he'll wake up, today he'll remember. Standing in front of the mirror, my mind floats back...

It was the summer of 1971, Al was home on a two week furlough, and we decided to spend his last two days in the city. The days were joyful and the nights were bittersweet. It was also when we began our family, but we didn't know it then. If we had, it would have been even harder to let go when it was time. But duty calls....and so Al walked aboard the USS Higbee and headed towards the war in Vietnam.

Vietnam war memorial print

In April of 1972, the Battle of Dong Hoi was a fierce fire fight between Navy ships trying to stop North Vietnamese troops and supplies from reaching the battle front in the Quang Tri Province. I had followed the news reports, and worried when I heard about the direct bomb hit on the USS Higbee. Only 4 men at most were wounded, and so with a shipful of thousands of men, I prayed for Al's safety. But still...something inside of me broke. The day I saw the Navy Chaplin walk up to my front door, I knew. Al was one of the wounded.

The morning traffic was horrible. It's hard enough to make the long drive from our cabin to the city...but then I ran into a delay due to construction.

Autumn Under Construction

I hate sitting still, sitting still opens the floodgates of our past, memories I don't want to remember....

The Navy Chaplain takes my hand and eases me onto the sofa. My other hand cradles the new life Al and I created. Our little one is due any time now, and Al was just weeks away from the end of his enlistment. And now...

But then I'm told, Al is one of the lucky ones. Despite the direct hit, he was lucky. His injuries are minor and he's coming home!

vintage am radio

I blink my eyes, and come back from the past. The hospital is in front of me. I find a parking spot easily, but I take my time entering. For 10 years after coming home from the war, Al and I had the perfect life, but then things changed, he changed. So today, like every day for the last 2 years, I enter his room, and try to reach him. I turn on the radio to the golden oldies station, tuck the lap blanket around his legs, and start talking. The doctors tell me that the stories of our past are good, and can help him. But they don't help me, every day I feel more and more alone. Still, I tell them to him, on the chance, the hope, that my prayers will be answered and

vicki handmade doll

today he'll respond. I pick up the doll from the nightstand and hold it close to me and begin. "Al, remember the day you came home from the war? A cane and some bandages were the only evidence of your injuries. You came towards me then stopped when you saw my condition. You had just received the letter I sent to you months ago. Gently you hugged me, and almost reverently you touched my belly. You couldn't believe that you were here, in time for the birth. And just in time too, my water broke in the taxicab on our way home. So a quick detour to the hospital, and then...there she was. Alyse. Little Al. Soft, fine blond hair, cute button nose, and all her toes and fingers. Remember? You must have counted them a hundred times. That was such a wonderful day."

Oh we were happy...despite the flashbacks...we were happy. I lean back in the chair and close my eyes and let my tears wash away the years.

I inched closer to the bed, it's been so long since we touched. I missed the feel of his skin, the way his fingers would curl around mine when he held my hand. So I put down the side of his bed, and sat next

honeysuckle shea butter

to him. I picked up the body lotion from the night stand, picked up his arm, placed it over my lap, and started to rub in the lotion. Up and down, I rubbed and rubbed. After some time I noticed that my tears were mixing in with the lotion. I have to stop....I have to pull myself away from this pit. Getting up from the bed, I walk to the window and watch the people and the cars moving about, people with lives. And family. I look back at Al and I feel something that I haven't felt in a while.

Excitement. Hope. Love.

I have decided...today is THE DAY. Al will wake up, and he will remember. He will remember the good days and not the bad. He will remember our life and not the war. The doctors told me that there is no reason for Al's health. But the PTSD and the flashbacks have caused him to draw into himself more and more as the years passed. Every loud noise, every story on the news, every time he heard that another serviceman had died, and then the protests, complete strangers calling our service men murderers. It was just too hard for him. So he went away. But all that is behind us now.

beaded cell phone case

I grab my purse and pull out my cell phone. A few phone calls, and the rest of my week is work free. Then a call to my mother. She has been my rock and my support all these years, helping me raise our daughter. It was hard for her after my dad died, but Alyse gave her purpose again. And Alyse will do that for her dad. Today, Alyse's 10th birthday, we will celebrate it here. With Al. After a few more phone calls, and a quick discussion with the nursing staff, I give Al a kiss on the cheek and promise him that I'll be back. Soon. And so will he....

custom party supplies

First I run to the party supply place...crepe paper, paper plates, cards, games, everything you would need for a 10 year old's birthday party. As I walk up and down the aisles I see a similar theme that we used for Alyse's 1st birthday, bright colored polka dots. So I grabbed everything that even remotely had polka dots on them and threw them in my cart. Next stop was the bakery....a cake, and cupcakes to share with the nursing staff. Perfect. Now back home...

family cabin

I grab our wedding album and scrapbook and rush back to Al. I rush into his room, all out of breath, and smile when I see what the nurses did while I was gone. Al was out of bed, freshly showered and shaved, sitting in the chair by the window. My heart still melts whenever I see him, and the excitement inside me builds. I put the scrapbooks on the table next to Al, and pull out the wedding pictures first. "Remember this Al? We were so young and so nervous. But we never doubted that we were meant to spend our lives together." I grab the scrapbook and show him the pictures of our cabin. "You built this with your own two hands so we would have a place to escape together as a family when life got too stressful. But even our cabin on the lake couldn't stop the flash backs, couldn't keep you from leaving me." I reach out and grab his hand. " Look at me Al, look at me. Today is our daughter's 10th birthday and we will celebrate it together, as a family, again." Suddenly I feel it, Al's fingers wrapping themselves around my hand. Subtly, but firmly.

I jump up and grab the bag of party supplies and get to work to make this sterile room into a party place. And I finish just in time as my mother and my darling Alyse walks in the door. At first Alyse hesitates, then she runs to her father. As she hugs him I see a tear roll down his cheek. The nurses join us as we sing to Alyse, and I can hear him...softly but clearly, Al says the words to the song. He's back. Finally, he's back. I walk to him and reach out, and he takes my hand and he looks at me, really looks at me. And the past 10 years just don't matter anymore. Because Al is back. From now on we will live...

word plates

I hope you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Let it be a lesson for all of us, love still triumphs.

Be blessed,
Debbi